FSF? More like FFS.

Every so often a film comes along that is so bad, it earns a place as one of the worst films of all time.

How lucky are we then that this week sees the release of Fifty Shades Freed – by far the worst film in what is surely one of the worst film series in recent memory, perhaps ever.

Dishing up glossy capitalist pornography that offers a luxury lifestyle far beyond the reach of most of the planet (perhaps that is the appeal) and characters that are beyond the realm of repugnant, the final chapter of the Fifty Shades saga is thankfully over.

Any fire in what started as Twilight fan-fiction and became a worldwide phenomenon has truly been extinguished with this lame, limp entry.

The titular character – one Christian Grey (Fifty Shades of Grey) – has revealed some of his troubled past over the course of two films and now, as he marries his one time interviewer Ana Steele, there seem to be more secrets lurking in the shadows of his past.

Lacking any tension amidst the ridiculous plot that sees Christian and Ana wed, honeymoon and settle down to run the Grey household in the opening minutes, the rest of the film is a long drawn out affair as we wait for Ana’s old boss Jack Hyde to emerge at some point, hell bent on revenge. Of course he does, and so when the Grey Corporation is infiltrated and Mr and Mrs Grey are stalked by a mysterious vehicle, it happens in such a pedestrian fashion that there are no thrills on offer.

Even the car chase sequences suck, although the film has some nice shots of buildings.

SPOILERS – Christian Grey utters this line as the film finally reaches some kind of conclusion.

“Detective the same day Hyde gets bail my sister goes missing and my wife withdraws 5 million dollars in cash. You think that’s a coincidence?”

Ham-fisted and harebrained, this is the ultimate in spoon-feeding a story to an audience.

Perhaps keen to avoid finishing on a bum note, the film wraps things up thus…

Ana – “Christian, it seems they’ve discovered where your birth mother is buried.”

Cue the couple paying a visit to a cemetery in the rain, before inexplicably cutting to the a montage of the “highlights” of the two previous films. then a post credits scenes hows a pregnant Ana playing with their first child, a minor plot point in this entirely stupid film

Don’t Miss the Climax? This one is as “Limp as They Come” 1/2 Star.