Pirates movies are exactly the same as tins of baked beans. They do what they say on the label, they can kind of pong and if you are really lucky you won’t get the ham-flavoured kind.

Dead Men Tell No Tales is about as hammy as these things get unfortunately and the biggest take outs from me were –

Kon-Tiki is a far superior film.

Johnny Depp is as annoying as shit on your shoe in 9 out of 10 roles he plays. Exceptions include Black Mass and Edward Scissorhands.

Some really good actors will understandably take the offer of a solid gig with an excellent pay-cheque. David Wenham, Javier Bardhem, Geoffrey Rush I’m looking at you fellas. Shout out to Brenton Thwaites who is one of the best things in this film.

(Incidentally every-time I open IMDB to check the spelling or bio of someone for my reviews today I get Russell Crowe saying something about the ancient Egyptians in a serious, spooky voice. Rusty. Shhhhhhh. Please.)

You’re either going to love or hate Pirates and it’s unlikely that on movie number 5 you’ll give it a go just for kicks without some idea of what you are in for. It really isn’t my cup of tea. Please don’t make a 6th.

1 & 1/2  Stars “ A Chaotic Noise That Grows More Annoying by the Minute”